Sunday, May 16, 2010

Take this sinking boat and point it home...

So it's been a bit since I've posted. Between work, school and sickness it's been very hard to do anything other than sleep, recover and try to keep my head above water. Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning, but every once in a while I catch my breath. I have spent the last few days reflecting on my life in high school and college. It's funny, when I graduated high school and moved on to college, I very rarely spoke about my time in what I called "high school hell" With the exception of the 5 people that attend both the same high school and college as myself, I did not speak to anyone from that period of my life for almost 8 years. Now there were some that I had at some point considered to be close friends. Some of us had even endured grade school and junior high together. But as we got older, we fragment. We were absorbed into other social groups and since there was no solid center, the group as a whole did not survive.

So here I am 8 years later and now I have a monthly girls night established with 3 or 4 of my former friends from high school. In fact this last Friday a few of us got together and had dinner. We spent hours upon hours discussing random memories some dating back as far as junior high. The one thing that I realized was that at some point every one of these people and looked to me to be the constant. The glue. The one to keep the group together. But when my life began to fall apart at home, I let it seep over into my social life. I withdrew. I kept secrets. I was ashamed. I can admit all of that now but then I couldn't simply because I didn't understand it all.

These experiences with these girls these last few months have forced me to recognize a pattern in my own behavior as I find myself doing this exact same thing again, but with college friends. The exception is that I was able to maintain various key friendships both in and out of the academic setting and have forced myself to maintain a relationship with these people no matter how hard life got or how ashamed I might have felt. At the end of the day they simply cared about me.

This also forced me to accept the fact that I'm not as independent as I like to think and I like to lead people to believe. Yes at the end of the day I am a self sufficient hard working smart young woman. But in reality I want someone to fight for me. I want some to pick me not because it will benefit them in some way, not because they feel obligated to, but because they want me for me. This of course brings us to the topic of men. At work the other day I created a checklist that contained the traits and qualities of my Mr. Right. I showed it to a co-worker who began to laugh at me. At first I thought she was laughing because I had listed all these traits in a combination and basically made finding Mr. Right impossible. Once she started breathing regularly and the tears stopped running down her face, she pointed out that I already had a man like that in my life. I asked her to explain, though I already had a idea of who she was talking about. Needless to say her thoughts and my thoughts jived and I once again cursed the dreaded f-zone.

Blah. Well that was quite a bite of discombobulated soul purging. On a lighter note, I'm sad to say that my favorite NBC Medical show, Mercy, was cancelled. And it looks like Grey's Anatomy and Bones are really trying to piss me off with their season finales. I swear, why can't TPTB realize that there are hoards of fangirls out there who immerse themselves in the relationships, both romantic and platonic, simply because it's a break from the huge honkin' mess they are having to deal with in the real world? Give a sista a break will ya!

To my one known loyal ready: I hope you had a great Mother's Day C!

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Call Me Ziggy

It seems that there is a black cloud of doom floating above my head and following me every where I go. It started almost a month ago with the week from hell at work which was followed by the week where I got strep throat really bad followed by the week my shoulder got dislocated followed by a fender bender in the rain last night. I was hit from behind and all down my drivers side by a lady speeding and texting in the rain who most likely doesn't have insurance or has been in enough accidents this year she doesn't want to make a claim. So now I'm waiting for her to get back to me so she can pay for the repairs (some dents in the back and front and a new side view could have been a lot worse). No I didn't call the police right then, I myself was on the way to the pharmacy to pick up some medication as I was really ill. But I did file a police report this morning. My favorite part is how when I tell people about this the first words out of their mouth are not "Are you ok?" but "Well why the hell didn't you call the police?". Yea guys. I'm ok. I don't doubt that I won't end up paying for the repairs, nor do I doubt that I won't learn an important lesson. I just have this thing about giving people the benefit of the doubt and truly believing they will do the right thing.

So I know I have one avid reader, we will call you C. And I love you muchly for reading my randomness. Just for you I'm going to post some more of my photography!! So Enjoy!!

For C:

Saturday, May 1, 2010

I feel...

Contrary to popular belief, I do feel. Some think that I'm cold and unfeeling while others think that I'm really good a faking it. What they ALL fail to see is that I have allowed them to see a twisted version of the true me. We all do it. It's a form of self preservation. But I do feel. I feel a lot. I may not cry once a week like some of my overly emotional female friends, but I do take time once a week to evaluate (some might say rationalize) my feelings. What I have recently realized is that I feel stuck. I feel stuck at work. I feel stuck at school. I feel stuck in my friend ships. I feel stuck in my romantic relationships. There are areas and people that I want to push from one position in my life to another but feel that If I push the issue that I'll lose them forever while there are other people I'd just kill to push off this chess board I like to call my life.

Sometimes I think I'm destined to not have a meaningful relationship of ANY kind and what's sad is I'm ok with that. Since a young age it's just be me solely caring about me and the idea of someone outside of my bubble taking a legitimate interest in my well being seems almost like a fairytale. Like one of those Disney movies that also gives little girls these unrealistic expectations about love and marriage and blah blah blah.

*Sigh* Well that little rant is done and over with. Right now here in Arkansas we are riding out the end of a ride down Tornado Alley. Two nights in a row we have had twisters touch down and tear through communities. Lives were lost. Homes were taken down to the foundations. But in true Arkansas fashion, we come together to help our own. It will take time, but we will heal. I'm hoping to edit some more photos and post them later on tonight. If any one is ready, enjoy. If not, I'll look at this blog as free Therapy.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Say hello to...

Santa's Little Helper. He is a North American Tree Frog that my family and I rescued on Christmas Eve of 2009 and recently released back into the wild since it seems spring has decided to stick around for good.

Friday, April 9, 2010

Good Morning Blogging World

I do believe it's still morning in my time zone anyway. So here yet again another attempt at me trying to maintain an online blog regarding my somewhat mundane and ordinary life.

Enjoy...more to come, I'm sure.