So it's been a bit since I've posted. Between work, school and sickness it's been very hard to do anything other than sleep, recover and try to keep my head above water. Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning, but every once in a while I catch my breath. I have spent the last few days reflecting on my life in high school and college. It's funny, when I graduated high school and moved on to college, I very rarely spoke about my time in what I called "high school hell" With the exception of the 5 people that attend both the same high school and college as myself, I did not speak to anyone from that period of my life for almost 8 years. Now there were some that I had at some point considered to be close friends. Some of us had even endured grade school and junior high together. But as we got older, we fragment. We were absorbed into other social groups and since there was no solid center, the group as a whole did not survive.
So here I am 8 years later and now I have a monthly girls night established with 3 or 4 of my former friends from high school. In fact this last Friday a few of us got together and had dinner. We spent hours upon hours discussing random memories some dating back as far as junior high. The one thing that I realized was that at some point every one of these people and looked to me to be the constant. The glue. The one to keep the group together. But when my life began to fall apart at home, I let it seep over into my social life. I withdrew. I kept secrets. I was ashamed. I can admit all of that now but then I couldn't simply because I didn't understand it all.
These experiences with these girls these last few months have forced me to recognize a pattern in my own behavior as I find myself doing this exact same thing again, but with college friends. The exception is that I was able to maintain various key friendships both in and out of the academic setting and have forced myself to maintain a relationship with these people no matter how hard life got or how ashamed I might have felt. At the end of the day they simply cared about me.
This also forced me to accept the fact that I'm not as independent as I like to think and I like to lead people to believe. Yes at the end of the day I am a self sufficient hard working smart young woman. But in reality I want someone to fight for me. I want some to pick me not because it will benefit them in some way, not because they feel obligated to, but because they want me for me. This of course brings us to the topic of men. At work the other day I created a checklist that contained the traits and qualities of my Mr. Right. I showed it to a co-worker who began to laugh at me. At first I thought she was laughing because I had listed all these traits in a combination and basically made finding Mr. Right impossible. Once she started breathing regularly and the tears stopped running down her face, she pointed out that I already had a man like that in my life. I asked her to explain, though I already had a idea of who she was talking about. Needless to say her thoughts and my thoughts jived and I once again cursed the dreaded f-zone.
Blah. Well that was quite a bite of discombobulated soul purging. On a lighter note, I'm sad to say that my favorite NBC Medical show, Mercy, was cancelled. And it looks like Grey's Anatomy and Bones are really trying to piss me off with their season finales. I swear, why can't TPTB realize that there are hoards of fangirls out there who immerse themselves in the relationships, both romantic and platonic, simply because it's a break from the huge honkin' mess they are having to deal with in the real world? Give a sista a break will ya!
To my one known loyal ready: I hope you had a great Mother's Day C!